Handy Guide to Panicking About Women’s Bodies

Do you want to be a scintillating conversationalist at your next dinner party? Would you like to appear impassioned and edgy around your peers and colleagues? Are you a journalist in desperate need of a story that will trend? Here’s a short guide that will help you achieve any of these without ever having to open a history book, question your assumptions, or think too deeply about anything. Sound too good to be true? Not at all…

… just follow this Handy Guide to Panicking About Women’s Bodies!


Aaaaah! Bodies!

Step 1. Pick your female. Would you rather panic about young girls from the Western world or adult women from another culture? Young girls have the advantage of being simultaneously innocent and sexy, whereas adult foreign women have an exotic cachet and you’re unlikely to ever have to interact with them, which is a bonus.

Step 2. Pick your nudity level. Would you rather be concerned that women are too naked or too covered up? If you decide that women are too covered up then you will undoubtedly seem very liberated and hip, but you will also have to bring up religion, which is not at all fun. On the other hand, in saying that women are too naked, you run the risk of seeming prudish, but then you also get to talk about scantily clad women which is AWESOME.

Step 3. Identify your target of outrage. Of course, you’re going to talk about women in bad situations or vulnerable positions because everybody can agree — we hate those things. Young white women are most susceptible to behaving in a sexually provocative manner without thinking of consequences, to unintentionally ending up compromised on the internet, and to trying too hard to be skinny. So, if you’ve chosen to panic over young naked girls, those are very good places to start. On the other hand, foreign women are more likely to be totally controlled by men and to be so brainwashed by religion that they cannot make good decisions for themselves and their families. Should you choose to panic over these women, make sure to talk about things that “could never happen in our culture”.


M.I.A’s Bad Girls video features badass chicks in niqabs instead of booty shorts

Step 4. Say “sexist” a lot. Regardless of which body you’ve chosen to panic over, it’s imperative to affirm that anyone who disagrees with you is sexist so that you yourself do not appear sexist. By choosing to be on the side of anti-sexism, no one can touch you.

Step 5. Go heavy on the moral judgement. Even though you’re being a little bit feminist by blaming sexism for sketchy things that happen to women, be sure to point out how the women themselves are also kind of to blame for the negative events in their lives. Everyone likes to defend women… but not at the expense of the patriarchy. Make sure what you say in no way threatens the current global power structures ’cause that would just be a downer.

Step 6. Decide what’s best for women. Obviously, you’re here to help women. Decide what the best course of action should be and tell everyone around you about it. Say things like “we need to teach girls that the world is a dangerous place”, and “young women should not go to parties where everyone is drunk”. But it’s important to contradict yourself when referring to non-Western women because they’re different from us and so the same logic cannot possibly apply to them. In their case, you should say things like “can you believe they don’t wear mini-skirts in public? They’re so oppressed!” And make sure to highlight the fact that if “those people” adopted our ways and priorities then their lives would be much better.

Step 7. Feel contented. Now that you’ve created a panic that everyone can get on board with, a panic about women’s bodies (bodies, of course, should not be something inside of which each woman herself decides how to live, but one that requires chosen sides and strong opinions), you can go back to sipping a nice craft beer and feeling a-ok.

This guide can be adapted to almost any situation as long you mention a) human females, and b) bodies. So please, feel free to get creative with it and invent new panic-worthy issues depending on your own conversational needs. Your friends will be delighted! 


  1. […] Handy Guide to Panicking About Women’s Bodies by Brenda Labelle of Bjutie […]

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