On Cookies and Sex

“The crumbs of love that you offer me, they’re the crumbs I’ve left behind”
— Leonard Cohen (Avalanche).

Ladies, let’s talk about dating and all the oh-so helpful advice out there for us. During most of my 20s and 30s, I’d been single. And I have gone on a lot of dates. It probably hasn’t been quite that many, but I feel like I’ve been on at least 100 lame first dates (plus about 5 awesome ones)! Yeah, I’m bored and I’m tired. But what’s worse is the assumption by some people in my life that I was somehow doing something wrong: being too picky, or acting crazy. Sure, my 20s were chock-full of self-sabotage, but now that I’m a mature lady, I can honestly say that, in the last few years, I just hadn’t yet met the right person.

Marilyn Monroe eating cookies in bed

Marilyn Monroe eating cookies in bed

Nevertheless, when you’re a woman in your 30s and looking for love, some of the people around you want to make sure that you STOP F***ING IT UP.

There’s one particular piece of advice I’ve gotten a lot recently, most often from male friends. That advice is that, when you meet a guy you like, you have to keep the cookies on the top shelf. Like for a couple of months or 10 dates, something along those lines.

For anyone still confused, let me spell things out:

cookies=sex
top shelf=out of reach

In my view, this is useless advice in the vein of The Rules. What’s the purpose of keeping the cookies on the top shelf? Well, the purpose is to make a man feel that you are special (because women who give it up on the 3rd date are not special?!). This totally plays into madonna/whore archetypes and the idea that while men desire the whore, they will only want to marry the virgin. And so, by putting off having sex for weeks while dating, you can trick a man into a committed relationship. UGH.

First off, do I really want to be with someone who has such a narrow view of women? No! No one is a madonna or a whore here; most of us are normal women with healthy appetites (for cookies!!!).

Secondly, this advice seems to assume that I’m jumping into bed with everyone! Um, remember those 100 lame first dates? There wasn’t anything exciting happening there. So, the few times I’ve meet a man that I’ve liked enough to agree to a second date, and then to a third and fourth… well, let’s just say the cookies were in danger of getting stale if they were to have stayed on the shelf any longer.

Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw alone in bed

Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw alone in bed

And lastly, let’s go back to what I said about intuition. Though I do agree that sometimes sex (uh, I mean “cookies”) can cloud things or make us feel that we share a connection with someone when we really don’t, every situation is different. Each person that you invite into your life plays a unique role. Some are there solely as cookie monsters! Nothing wrong with that. Others, you may trust early on and it would feel unnatural to make one experience off limits due to some arbitrary rule. Ultimately, they’re your cookies and only you decide when to take them down from the shelf and for whom.

And I have a funny feeling I’m going to write many more posts about dating (I may be experience Dating PTSD)!

Comments

  1. I love your honesty! This is a really cool blog!

  2. i hear you bella. it is always so hard to know exactly whom to share your cookies with these days, and when it is the time to do so. dating for me, as an “adult” with some experience and heartbreak behind me, seems to only get harder. sometimes i just want a cookie ya know? maybe a mint oreo, or a peanut butter, or maybe an oatmeal raisin…i find i am much more open to the sort of cookies i like…thank you for your shared advice, top shelf, take them down and share…or else they will get stale…

    • Hehe, it’s nice to taste a variety of cookies before settling on the one you like; it helps refine the pallet. I think I might be sticking with Mr. Old-fashioned Molasses, even though I thought I was more of a mint chocolate type gal. The cookie metaphors will never die!!!

Trackbacks

  1. […] you’re exclusive before getting sexy. That said, readers of this blog know how I feel about keeping the cookies on the top shelf. In my world, finding a good cookie connoisseur is not easy and sometimes you’re both really […]

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